Tall Drink of Nerd: The Hole of Wishing
a blogumn by Amy Robinson
The time at the tone is Zen O’Clock. Time to be.
I just realized, I’ve been wishing my life away; wishing the weekend was here, wishing it were the end of the day, wishing it was time for dessert, basically wishing my life away. I’m gonna stop that nonsense now. My plan is to try and live my life in real time and not constantly in fast forward. To steal a line from The Peaceful Warrior, I’m going to live like ‘there are no ordinary moments’. With any luck, and a little teeny bit of focus, I’ll stop pushing and worrying and wishing for the next thing to happen and I’ll enjoy where and when I am.
Here are the 3 big reasons for my decision to chill-the f-out and stop pushing time:
1. Aging parents – I just spent 6 days with my folks in CO. Mom was having surgery to find out if the rare, and aggressive, cancer had spread, from the teeny bump on her arm, into her lymph glands. (It didn’t! YAY! She is cancer free with only 24 stitches on her bicep to show for it.) Dad was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS), an incurable blood disease, last June. He was given 10 mos to live at that time. He has beat that prognosis by 2 months already and his doctors say he’s stable now. He’s a tough old bird and has always been the picture of strength. Now, some days are good days, some days suck, but he’s living every day, in that day.
So, I went home to help out with the gardening, yard mowing, dog walking (and the icky clean-up involved with that), Dad shoulder massaging, suture-antibiotic goop applying and a WHOLE LOTTA BAKING. I lived in each and every moment while there, enjoying my parents and ultimately enjoying myself.
2. Aging pets – Munchy, my 17 yr old awesome cat, is now in Chronic Renal Failure, or CRF for short. She is worth every high maintenance minute of her new medical treatment routine: sub-Q fluids, laxatives and (blech) cat vomit clean up. I look into her old lady green peepers and tell her I won’t wish a minute to go by faster now. She bellows at me in the scratchy tone that only Munchy has. I don’t think she quite understands me, but she has been sleeping next to me a lot more lately to show appreciation.
3. Mortality issues -or- You mean this won’t last forever? – We all know that age ain’t nuthin’ but a number (for consenting adults, that is) but there is a minute amount of stress involved in having your age become a larger number. In one month, I will be turning a big number with a zero on the end of it. You may find this hard to believe, as I did, but apparently everyone/thing around me is aging too. I’m starting to realize that I’m finite, that everything is finite, even hybrids, even the ocean, even blueberry pie! Nothing lasts forever, not even meetings scheduled at 4:00pm on Fridays.
Mostly because of those 3 things, my new pledge is to enjoy everything now, because apparently, “now” is what I’ve got. Apparently there is going to be a time when I can’t waiver between zen and stress. There will be a time when I can’t procrastinate making dinner. There will come a time when I won’t have to shop for socks. At some point I won’t care if the “fasten seatbelts” sign is lit on the airplane.
I tried this ‘no ordinary moments’ thing on the flights to and from CO. It’s weird to be on a plane, living in the moment and not just waiting to land. My main thought was to live in the moment and notice the colors, smells and sounds of right now. A funny thing happened, I enjoyed the flight and my book. I really did chill-the f-out. I suggest you try this in your next endless meeting or rush hour traffic. It ain’t easy and it’s kind of surreal, but will put an unexpectedly contented smile on your face.
Thank you for sharing this moment with me, I hope you enjoyed it.