Now and now and now
It has come to my attention that I’ve spent a good portion of my life wishing time would move quicker; wishing the weekend was here, wishing it were the end of the day, wishing it was time to sit, run, walk, sleep, anything besides the activity that I’m currently involved in. I’m gonna stop that nonsense now. My plan is to try and live my life in real time and not constantly in fast forward. I want to pay attention to every day. To coin a phrase (cribbed from The Peaceful Warrior), there are no ordinary moments. With any luck, I’ll stop pushing and worrying and wishing for the next thing to happen and I’ll enjoy where and when I am.
Here are the 3 big reasons for my decision to chill the f out:
1. Aging parents – I just spent 6 days with my folks in CO. Mom was having surgery to find out if the rare and aggressive cancer had spread, from the teeny bump on her arm, into her lymph glands. (It didn’t! YAY! She is cancer free with only 24 stitches on her bicep to show for it.) Dad was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS), an incurable blood disease, last June. He was given 10 mos to live at that time. He’s has beat that prognosis by 2 months already! He is a tough old bird and has always been a strong guy. Now, somedays are good days, somedays suck, but he’s living every day, in that day.
So, I went home to help out with a teeny bit of gardening, yard mowing, dog walking (and the icky clean-up involved with that), Dad shoulder massaging, suture antibiotic goop applying and a WHOLE LOTTA BAKING. I lived in each and every moment while there and thoroughly enjoyed myself. (My only regret was forgetting to bring Seen some of that amazing zucchini bread I made.)
2. Aging pets: Munchy, surviving sister of Weasel, is now in Chronic Renal Failure, or CRF for short. She is worth every high maintenance minute of sub-Q fluids, laxatives and vomit clean up. I look into her old lady green peepers and tell her I won’t wish a minute to go by faster now. She bellows at me in the scratchy tone that only Munchy has. I don’t think she quite understands me, but she has been sleeping next to me a lot more lately.
3. Mortality issues (aka – You mean this won’t last forever?): While I honestly believe that age ain’t nuthin’ but a number, there is a teeny amount of stress involved in having your age become a larger number. I will be turning a big number with a zero on the end of it in a month. You may find this hard to believe, but apparently everyone around me is aging too. I’m starting to realize that I’m finite, that everything is finite, even mountains, even the ocean, even blueberry pie! Nothing lasts forever, not even meetings scheduled at 4:00pm on Fridays.
Based on that list, my new pledge is to enjoy everything now, because apparently, ‘now’ is what I’ve got. Apparently there is going to be a time, when I can’t waiver between zen and stress. There will be a time when I can’t procrastinate making dinner. There will come a time when I won’t have to forward my mail. At some point I won’t care if the “fasten seatbelts” sign is lit on the airplane. (I tried this no ordinary moments thing on the flight to and from CO. It’s weird to be on a plane, living in the moment and not just waiting to land. I suggest you try it in rush hour traffic, notice the colors, smells and sounds of right now. It’s kind of surreal.)
Thank you for sharing this moment with me, I hope you enjoyed it.