No Happy Ending

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Remember when I said that if you get a bad massage it’s your own fault? I told you that you need to talk to your therapist and tell them “firmer” or “lighter”, whichever you need. I just couldn’t fathom getting a bad massage.

I just got a bad massage.

As a former therapist I know a few rules, always move toward the heart, never pinch, cut your nails, don’t move the muscle toward the bone. At the spa chain I just visited, I was assigned a 5Ft Nuthin therapist. Massage taught me that tiny ladies usually like deeper massage and big folks like more gentle relaxation.

I asked for a simple swedish, which should just consist of something called effleurage (basically the long stroke rubbing, not going deep into the muscle). We discussed what I wanted, how deep I wanted it, where, etc…

This therapist moved around my body in an odd way, didn’t do any effleurage. None. Zero. She was all about DEEP and not any type of deep tissue method I’d learned. She utilized a technique that seemed more “Poke, pinch and jiggle” I know how to say “lighter, or heavier” but I don’t know how to say “WTF are you doing??” or “Dude, a toddler gives a better massage”. So I suffered through it. As she was working on pinching my calves, yes pinching (and she her nails were digging into me a little, and I’m checking for bruises now) I was reminded of last June, when I spent 4 hours in a dental chair with a non-novacained nerve that later turned into a root-canal. If a massage reminds you of that kind of dentist pain, it’s clearly a bad massage.

After the therapist poked and prodded at my neck at the end of the torture, she then tried to sell me on scheduling more or maybe getting the annual membership. Even if she’d been a good rub-er, at the end of the massage you should gently say “We’re done, take your time, I’ll be in the lobby with water…”

I have probably given some bad massages in my day, but I whole-heartedly believe none of them were this awful. I never pinched and always effleuraged (I made a word:) ) I once knew a therapist who’s technique and demeanor was so perfect for me! Sadly, she left the state. The therapist that got away. Now I need to find someone who won’t make me worse when all I want is to relax.

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  • Seen Robinson

    there are so many double entendres in there I have to stop myself.Since you’re the only therapist I’ve ever had a massage with, I can’t relate to having a “bad massage”.Can we know open our massage studio and call it “WTFleurage”, and have our tag line be “we’ll effleurage the crap out of you!”

  • Seen Robinson

    there are so many double entendres in there I have to stop myself.Since you’re the only therapist I’ve ever had a massage with, I can’t relate to having a “bad massage”.Can we know open our massage studio and call it “WTFleurage”, and have our tag line be “we’ll effleurage the crap out of you!”

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